Just when I thought I was getting close to being worthy of God's love, I fall down again. And then I'm reminded that I can never be worthy.
I'm almost done with school for the year. I don't think I've ever been this happy to be getting out. I will miss Fresno dearly--my friends, my community, my life. But I'm ready to be back in the familiar, to find those well-worn footholds in my life, and to be completely turned upside-down in surprise once again. Things are never like you remember them. People change, circumstances change. I'm not 16 anymore, which in and of itself is a blessing and a curse. I go home to feel comfortable, but when I get there, there's a piece of it that's not home anymore. I don't fit in. I feel awkward and restless in this familiar skin I'm forced back into. I'm not that way anymore, but I can't tell if I'm sad about that or not. I've changed, but life at home hasn't. I'm the same as I've always been, yet things are so different at home. I don't know how these things can co-exist, but they do. And they wreak havoc with my carefully laid plans. But then again, plans never seem to work like you want them to.
I have a dream, a vision for my life. I think that's one of the most dangerous things I can have right now. I know exactly how my life is going to turn out and exactly what I'm going to do. That's when God loves to step in and show me His plan, full of love and joy and hope and peace. But I turn my back. I'm confused. What's the plan again? What do you want from me, God? A little clarity would be nice. I don't know where His plan starts and my plan ends. I don't know when I've made something into something more than it should be because it fits my vision for the future or when God has given me the green light. I pray--my prayers bounce clumsily off the ceiling. I open my Bible--and I learn that Aheiras begat Goehsin. Illumination is nowhere to be found, yet there is a glimmer in sight. An elusive, dancing glimmer that tortures and teases me into searching my soul and my motives. It is painful and in progress.
Also, it makes for long, rambling blog posts that don't really make any sense.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Trust
The other day I was walking out of a classroom and a newspaper that was lying on a desk near the door caught my eye. The headline read, "3 still missing in [some location i can't remember]." I was struck with a sense of loss, of helplessness that made a feeling of sadness darken my mood for a little bit. Every day, the news is filled with stories of loss, of tragedy, of people kidnapped by pirates, of policemen gunned down by manic thieves. Sometimes the world just seems so bleak that it's hard to believe things could be good.
The other day I found out that my summer plans, for which I was so excited, weren't going to work out. Of all the things that could hold me back, it turned out that money was the stone wall I couldn't get over. I didn't have enough money to not work and simply travel all summer. I had to stay home and find a job. That was the last thing I wanted to do. This is very possibly the last summer I will have to relax and take some good time off. But of course, something came up. I was discouraged--I was in a bad mood all Easter break because of it. Mom and I looked at jobs online, but all along, I was dreading having to find something to do this summer to make money. Dad finally told me to just pray about it. I grudgingly rolled my eyes and sort of agreed that, yeah I should probably pray about it. But why, when I knew God was just going to tell me to stay home for the summer and work? He couldn't possibly want me to have fun. So I came back to school, determined not to think about this summer or money for the next three weeks that I'm in school.
The other day I went to go pick up the paycheck that I was expecting. I opened the envelope, waiting to see the amount, which I had estimated to be around $120 or so--a paycheck that would have to last me longer than its poor little life could stand. I opened the envelope--and there was a check for $500 inside. For what, I don't know. But all I knew was that my summer plans had suddenl taken a drastic turn for the better.
The point? God's in control. I need to trust Him more. I need to trust Him in the small things, to not doubt He has my best in mind when I make plans or pray for certain things. Plans don't always work out...but sometimes they do. And just like it's hard sometimes to see God working in the small areas of my life, it's hard to see how He's working in the big stuff out in the world. But He is. Everything works together for His good, and He has a master plan that completely overrules any insignificant plans that I could ever put together. Amen.
The other day I found out that my summer plans, for which I was so excited, weren't going to work out. Of all the things that could hold me back, it turned out that money was the stone wall I couldn't get over. I didn't have enough money to not work and simply travel all summer. I had to stay home and find a job. That was the last thing I wanted to do. This is very possibly the last summer I will have to relax and take some good time off. But of course, something came up. I was discouraged--I was in a bad mood all Easter break because of it. Mom and I looked at jobs online, but all along, I was dreading having to find something to do this summer to make money. Dad finally told me to just pray about it. I grudgingly rolled my eyes and sort of agreed that, yeah I should probably pray about it. But why, when I knew God was just going to tell me to stay home for the summer and work? He couldn't possibly want me to have fun. So I came back to school, determined not to think about this summer or money for the next three weeks that I'm in school.
The other day I went to go pick up the paycheck that I was expecting. I opened the envelope, waiting to see the amount, which I had estimated to be around $120 or so--a paycheck that would have to last me longer than its poor little life could stand. I opened the envelope--and there was a check for $500 inside. For what, I don't know. But all I knew was that my summer plans had suddenl taken a drastic turn for the better.
The point? God's in control. I need to trust Him more. I need to trust Him in the small things, to not doubt He has my best in mind when I make plans or pray for certain things. Plans don't always work out...but sometimes they do. And just like it's hard sometimes to see God working in the small areas of my life, it's hard to see how He's working in the big stuff out in the world. But He is. Everything works together for His good, and He has a master plan that completely overrules any insignificant plans that I could ever put together. Amen.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
I like surveys
1) What is your salad dressing of choice? there's this really yummy oriental balsamic dressing at the coffee shop that i get with the salads..mmm...i would choose that on everything if i could
2) What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? off the top of my head...chili's because of the chicken fingers. But really, I like fast food better a lot of the time.
3) What food could you eat for 2 weeks straight and not get sick of it? potstickers
4.What is your favorite topping on a piece of pizza? chicken
5) What do you like to put on your toast? butter and cinnmaon
6) How many televisions are in your house? 2
7) What color cell phone do you have?black and silver
8) Are you right-handed or left-handed? righty-o
9) Have you ever had anything removed from your body? clothing (by me only), hair, several teeth, and shoes
10) What is the last heavy item you lifted? i have no idea. i think a vaccuum.
11) Have you ever been knocked unconscious? i wish
12) If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? no way
13) If you could change your name, what would you change it to? lauren or sarah jane
14) Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?heck yes. totally worth it. i neeeed money!
15) How many pairs of flip flops do you own? many. how many do i actually wear? 3
16) Whats your goal for the year? to be amazing. working great so far
17) Last person you talked to? shane when i was getting my book back from dave's apartment.
18) Last person you hugged? jennifer elizabeth deibert
19) Favorite Season? fall. also, spring
20) Favorite Holiday? christmas! but not because of the gifts...because of the season. I LOVE the christmas season.
21) Favorite day of the week? as of now? Thursday
22) Favorite Month? that is a tough question. weatherwise? probably June. otherwise, July because of fun camps. other than that December because it's Christmas season.
23) First place you went this morning? water polo game at sunnyside high school
24) What's the last movie you saw? slummmmdooogggggg!!!
25) Do you smile often? yes. i just had a conversation tonight about how i can't not smile.
26) Do you always answer your phone? yes, if i'm actually carrying it with me. oh wait that's a lie because i get a lot of calls from numbers i don't know. so no. only if i know the number.
27) It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it? probably lora or amy or frances or alli-kay or jenny
28) If you could change your eye color what would it be? green, but i like my eyes
29) What flavor drink do you get at Sonic? i've never gotten one of those drinks so i don't know. i know, i'm lame.
30) Have you ever had a pet fish? yes. their names were paul and silas and paul was light orange and skinny and silas was dark orange and fat and they both died and i buried them in a rosebush.
31) Favorite Christmas song? o come o come emmanuel. do you hear what i hear? lots more. i love christmas.
32) What's on your wish list for your birthday? rainbows.
33) Can you do push ups? yep.
34) Can you do a chin up? nope.
35) Does the future make you more nervous or excited? way excited with a hint of nervousness because the future means real life with job and loans. but i'm super excited for other parts of that future. :)
36) Do you have any saved texts? all of mine are saved because i only have like 140.
37) Ever been in a car wreck? nope.
38) Do you have an accent? some people say that i have a very slight canadian accent, but just on certain words. most say i just say those words really weird.
39) What is the last song to make you cry? probably one of the songs we sang during college hour. actually i have no idea.
40) Plans tonight? the rest of the night's plans are to go to bed. but i already went to mimi's for dinner, played ping pong and talked with some friends, so i've had a full night.
41) Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? Yes. So many times. But my rock bottom isn't necessarily killing myself or anything, it's more along the lines of dropping out of school and running away
42) Name 3 things you bought yesterday. i didn't buy anything yesterday
43) Have you ever been given roses? yes. twice, in fact.
44) Current hate right now? my lack of money
45) Met someone who changed your life? yes. for good and bad
46) How did you bring in the New Year? i was sitting on the ground listening to clifford smith talk about ruth and boaz, i believe.
47) What song represents you? no clue. won't even try to think of one.
48) Name three people who might complete this? no one.
49) What were you doing 12 AM last night? getting ready for bed
50) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? yay zwiebach!
2) What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? off the top of my head...chili's because of the chicken fingers. But really, I like fast food better a lot of the time.
3) What food could you eat for 2 weeks straight and not get sick of it? potstickers
4.What is your favorite topping on a piece of pizza? chicken
5) What do you like to put on your toast? butter and cinnmaon
6) How many televisions are in your house? 2
7) What color cell phone do you have?black and silver
8) Are you right-handed or left-handed? righty-o
9) Have you ever had anything removed from your body? clothing (by me only), hair, several teeth, and shoes
10) What is the last heavy item you lifted? i have no idea. i think a vaccuum.
11) Have you ever been knocked unconscious? i wish
12) If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? no way
13) If you could change your name, what would you change it to? lauren or sarah jane
14) Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?heck yes. totally worth it. i neeeed money!
15) How many pairs of flip flops do you own? many. how many do i actually wear? 3
16) Whats your goal for the year? to be amazing. working great so far
17) Last person you talked to? shane when i was getting my book back from dave's apartment.
18) Last person you hugged? jennifer elizabeth deibert
19) Favorite Season? fall. also, spring
20) Favorite Holiday? christmas! but not because of the gifts...because of the season. I LOVE the christmas season.
21) Favorite day of the week? as of now? Thursday
22) Favorite Month? that is a tough question. weatherwise? probably June. otherwise, July because of fun camps. other than that December because it's Christmas season.
23) First place you went this morning? water polo game at sunnyside high school
24) What's the last movie you saw? slummmmdooogggggg!!!
25) Do you smile often? yes. i just had a conversation tonight about how i can't not smile.
26) Do you always answer your phone? yes, if i'm actually carrying it with me. oh wait that's a lie because i get a lot of calls from numbers i don't know. so no. only if i know the number.
27) It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it? probably lora or amy or frances or alli-kay or jenny
28) If you could change your eye color what would it be? green, but i like my eyes
29) What flavor drink do you get at Sonic? i've never gotten one of those drinks so i don't know. i know, i'm lame.
30) Have you ever had a pet fish? yes. their names were paul and silas and paul was light orange and skinny and silas was dark orange and fat and they both died and i buried them in a rosebush.
31) Favorite Christmas song? o come o come emmanuel. do you hear what i hear? lots more. i love christmas.
32) What's on your wish list for your birthday? rainbows.
33) Can you do push ups? yep.
34) Can you do a chin up? nope.
35) Does the future make you more nervous or excited? way excited with a hint of nervousness because the future means real life with job and loans. but i'm super excited for other parts of that future. :)
36) Do you have any saved texts? all of mine are saved because i only have like 140.
37) Ever been in a car wreck? nope.
38) Do you have an accent? some people say that i have a very slight canadian accent, but just on certain words. most say i just say those words really weird.
39) What is the last song to make you cry? probably one of the songs we sang during college hour. actually i have no idea.
40) Plans tonight? the rest of the night's plans are to go to bed. but i already went to mimi's for dinner, played ping pong and talked with some friends, so i've had a full night.
41) Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? Yes. So many times. But my rock bottom isn't necessarily killing myself or anything, it's more along the lines of dropping out of school and running away
42) Name 3 things you bought yesterday. i didn't buy anything yesterday
43) Have you ever been given roses? yes. twice, in fact.
44) Current hate right now? my lack of money
45) Met someone who changed your life? yes. for good and bad
46) How did you bring in the New Year? i was sitting on the ground listening to clifford smith talk about ruth and boaz, i believe.
47) What song represents you? no clue. won't even try to think of one.
48) Name three people who might complete this? no one.
49) What were you doing 12 AM last night? getting ready for bed
50) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? yay zwiebach!
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