Surprise

Just when I thought I was getting close to being worthy of God's love, I fall down again. And then I'm reminded that I can never be worthy.

I'm almost done with school for the year. I don't think I've ever been this happy to be getting out. I will miss Fresno dearly--my friends, my community, my life. But I'm ready to be back in the familiar, to find those well-worn footholds in my life, and to be completely turned upside-down in surprise once again. Things are never like you remember them. People change, circumstances change. I'm not 16 anymore, which in and of itself is a blessing and a curse. I go home to feel comfortable, but when I get there, there's a piece of it that's not home anymore. I don't fit in. I feel awkward and restless in this familiar skin I'm forced back into. I'm not that way anymore, but I can't tell if I'm sad about that or not. I've changed, but life at home hasn't. I'm the same as I've always been, yet things are so different at home. I don't know how these things can co-exist, but they do. And they wreak havoc with my carefully laid plans. But then again, plans never seem to work like you want them to.

I have a dream, a vision for my life. I think that's one of the most dangerous things I can have right now. I know exactly how my life is going to turn out and exactly what I'm going to do. That's when God loves to step in and show me His plan, full of love and joy and hope and peace. But I turn my back. I'm confused. What's the plan again? What do you want from me, God? A little clarity would be nice. I don't know where His plan starts and my plan ends. I don't know when I've made something into something more than it should be because it fits my vision for the future or when God has given me the green light. I pray--my prayers bounce clumsily off the ceiling. I open my Bible--and I learn that Aheiras begat Goehsin. Illumination is nowhere to be found, yet there is a glimmer in sight. An elusive, dancing glimmer that tortures and teases me into searching my soul and my motives. It is painful and in progress.

Also, it makes for long, rambling blog posts that don't really make any sense.