Saturday, October 18, 2008
Home Sweet School
I am home for the weekend. Actually, I had a four day weekend for midterm break, so I've been home. I'm going back home tomorrow. I am so divided between these two homes. My home has my family, no matter how lousy tonight was (mom, don't be offended, I can tell you what was wrong), and I am always safe there. But at schoolhome, I have my close friends, I have challenges that stretch and grow me, and I have my own independent life. But at home I have relationships that I need to work on that I don't have energy or motivation to improve. But at school I have a lack of a spiritual life that makes me sad every time I think about it. I love both, and yet I can't stand both. I want to run away. I'm a coward.
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This is a feeling I know well. I can't say it gets any less confusing - you just have to learn to live in the tension, and be thankful that you have two places full of people who know and love you. Running away doesn't help. "Everywhere you go, there you are" as they say.
I do wonder about this part: "But at school I have a lack of a spiritual life that makes me sad every time I think about it."
Does this mean that you don't lack a spiritual life at home? If you're struggling spiritually, you might want to do some thinking about whether being home actually remedies the problem or just uses the band-aid of familiarity to cover up something that you need to work through. We experience God in many ways through relationships, and so it's natural to flourish spiritually in the place where your strongest spiritual relationships are present. At the same time, God is present everywhere, and being in a new location should lead to experiencing him in new ways rather than feeling utterly disconnected from him. You know?
Also, I love you a whole lot. Sorry I scared you yesterday :)
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