Futility

Ah, the feeling of not being able to find a job and being nagged and scolded about it. Ah, the feeling of trying to not take personally the indignity of not being hired...anywhere. Ah, the feeling of going nowhere, just running in circles with life. Ah, the feeling of the lack of self-control. Ah, the feeling of isolation from God. Ah, the feeling of crumminess. Ah, the feeling of insuffiency. Ah, the feeling of wanting to escape and not being able to. Ah, the feeling of needing money and yet hating it. Ah, the feeling of conformity. Ah, the feeling of personal change and not being able to change triumphantly, concretely for the better.

Ah, how those feelings never seem to leave, always seem to be laughing at me, frustrating my efforts at every turn. They taunt, wearying my brain until it wants to give up and just lay in bed all day. They make me feel helpless, watching God from a distance, trying to let Him back in, yet too tired to do so. Ah, feelings.